actors attempting to sing

Lindsay Lohan has had a semi-okay music career thus far, selling 3 million albums worldwide. Her single "Bossy" was underrated and never had an album to accompany it. Like most singing actresses, she utilizes an electronic-heavy pop genre to mask her flaws. Pretty standard. A new song "Stuck" has been leaked (listen here), and sadly it isn't as cool as I was hoping. The beat is definitely addicting, but on the chorus it sounds like she is vocally reaching for "stuck, stuck stuck" -- and never gets all the way up there. The song's a little out of her range. Lindsay claims she doesn't know how the song got leaked...pleassse. It's a great distraction from the hot mess her life has become.

Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester has been dabbling in music for a little while now, but her song "Your Love Is a Drug" is just fun. It's super-short, and has got a summer-y, simple feeling to it (listen here). She has had a few songs with guest stars like Robin Thicke and Lil Wayne, but since her debut album (Love Is A Drug) is supposed to be released this year, she needs to prove that she can step it up solo. Her voice is actually smooth and comfortable, and it will be interesting to see how the album comes out. It will likely be delayed, though, in news that Meester is now filming a new feature, The Oranges.

Frankie Muniz, that guy from Malcolm In The Middle and the Agent Cody Banks movies, has disappeared from acting -- first to become a race car driver (true story), and now to become a drummer for some band in Phoenix. Random. Apparently, Muniz is BFF with Hanson, and Zac Hanson taught him how to play the drums. Good times. Unfortunately, Muniz's band You Hang Up is straight-up mediocre.

Twilight teen sensation Robert Pattinson is even talking about venturing into music. Since he is totally set for life, I'd advise him to stick to what he knows.

try this: the rocket summer (of men and angels)

The Rocket Summer’s Of Men and Angels just came out, and I’ve been loving this band’s sound ever since I heard the bright, emo-tastic Hello Good Friend. Bryce Avary is a one-man wonder, playing all of the instruments himself while recording. This allows him to truly get the sound he wants and envisions. He released the You Gotta Believe EP to give a taste of the new material when his first full album in 3 years was delayed. Bryce’s voice seems more mature and a little lower on this album. Maybe it’s something about piano rock, or the optimism that radiates from most of his songs, or the energy of his live shows…but TRS is just a good time all around.

First off, 15 songs is a pretty good number for an album; having only 10 or 11 songs that make the cut isn’t unusual these days. The leadoff track “Roses” shows off his drum talent, and the sound seems tighter and fuller than on his previous albums. “You Gotta Believe” is the feel-good single. The soul in Avary’s voice is unmistakable, and everything from the guitar solo to the Michael Jackson-like quick breaths makes this an awesome song. But it’s not quite as awesome as “Hills and Valleys,” which has an infectious hook with amazing piano. The lyrics are sweet, simple, and happy; a dedication to touring and the ups and downs of life on the road. Probably my favorite moment on the album is when it all kicks in on “drove out to California…” The hand claps come in and it’s all over. I absolutely love it. Ok I’m done…but it’s SO good. Sorry.

Known for often getting spiritual on some songs, “I Want Something To Live For” tunes into a deeper theme of life and death, while “Of Men and Angels” is a track about Bryce’s relationship with God and the conflicts of fame. “Walls” is another single, with a beautiful piano rhythm that opens up into orchestra-accented rock. A reoccurring topic for TRS, Bryce digs into the corporate music industry on “Nothing Matters.” “Japanese Exchange Student” also dives into his experience being on the brink of fame, saying that it’s all about who you know and that he feels out of place. “Tara, I’m Terrible” is a short dedication to Avary’s wife, who goes on the road with him wherever he goes. The acoustic sound is a nice break, but doesn’t have the same power as his previous acoustic songs like “That’s So You” or “Goodbye Waves and Driveways.” A few other weaker links are “Pull Myself Together (Don’t Hate Me),” “I Need a Break…,” and “Let You Go.” They’re not filler by any means, but nothing to write home about. “This Is a Refuge” is a powerful wake-up song, although it’s titled like something that Dashboard Confessional would make. “Light” as a final track sadly doesn’t compare to the soul of “So, In This Hour…” on Do You Feel, but it is a strong, spiritual finale that fades out with an acoustic “I will trust that it’s not the end, but a great beginning...”

Rock-n-roll count-offs, “whoas” and “ohs,” multi-level harmony, deep personal lyrics, big choruses, great simple solos, and endless energy makes this an amazing album. It is different than Hello Good Friend and Do You Feel, but not in a bad way. He’s getting a bit further away from any genre of “emo.” Bryce is getting older, so his subject matter also matures—and so does his talent. Why hasn’t The Rocket Summer totally blown up into top 40 radio play? As he puts it, “I know it’s not too sexy that I’m singing about the blessings that we get…” And I’m pretty sure he likes it that way.

Listen to Of Men and Angels free on myspace.com >>>

try this: nick jonas & the administration (who i am)

I've never heard a Jonas Brothers song in my life. But I guess one of them put out an album with another band. Nick Jonas said he wanted it to be kind of like Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. The Disney-fied teen has found a good sound with this album. Nothing really compares to the Boss, but I see where he's going with that comparison. Apparently, the Jonas Brothers group was initially supposed to be just Nick, solo. While I'm not a giant fan of his voice, this kid is 17 and cut this album in 8 days. I gotta say, he has lots of promise to grow as a songwriter. This fact made me pretty happy, as I wasn't expecting it.

Rose Garden - Sounds very much like a John Mayer song, with the wah pedaled-riffs and all. I do really like this one. Nick sounds like he's got to try a little bit harder than Mayer, but that's cause he probably does.

Who I Am - Man, more John Mayer-y stuff, but a little more pop structured. Still loving the vibe. Nick keeps it simple: "I want someone to love me, for who I am / I want someone to need me, is that so bad?" Well, that's how I felt when I was 17 too.

Olive & An Arrow - Super blues-y. Nick sounds older than his age on this one. A little falsetto goin on. Who is on guitar? They are rocking out.

Conspiracy Theory - Damn, Nick. Go for it. All-out hair band screams on this one.

In The End - Let's slow it down a bit. This ballad is a bit lackluster lyric-wise.

Last Time Around - Super catchy song in a usual filler spot.

Tonight - Cue teenage girls screaming. A slower, sentimental song that moves along well, but is definitely more pop than the rest of the songs.

State of Emergency - This is a song about how Nick has his pick of any chick on the planet. Pretty rad. At least he knows it. His voice has a great range in this one, and the main riff is addicting.

Vesper's Goodbye - Kinda boring. Kinda short. Kinda ok.

Stronger (Back On The Ground) - The background singers make this song a little more epic. Not strong lyrically, but a good closing track.

I'm glad that this shows what someone can do once they're freed from their teen pop ties. This album is labeled in the pop genre, but I'd classify it as (camp) rock. Rock out, Nick. I'm officially pleasantly surprised.

try this: heidi montag (superficial)

Here it is—two EPs and many terrible leaked songs later-- a masterpiece three years in the making, from Pratt Productions. People who wake up one day and randomly think they can sing amuse me. The Hills star’s aptly named Superficial album debut released as digital-only (surprise surprise) this week. With the producers Montag was able to hire (it apparently cost $2 million for her to make this independently) she’s had some decent-sounding songs. So obviously I couldn’t wait to dissect these 12 tracks, which are almost all the same 3:30 length, and all sound very similar to each other. It’s produced very heavily. As usual, Montag’s voice has just the right number of layers and autotune to sound halfway tolerable. Oh, and it’s got a parental advisory label on the cover.

Look How I’m Doin -- …What. This chick is literally rapping on track one, to a heavy offbeat with “Umbrella”-like “ay, ay, ays” in the background. I love it. I hate it. There’s a little bit of “Beep” “ha-ha-has” in the chorus, right before Heidi is singing “you shoulda put a ring on me.” The original thought on this album is overwhelming.

Turn Ya Head -- Heidi claims on this song that she’s “the bitch that you don’t want to miss.” I think it’s supposed to be a club song. It’s got a good beat and an interesting bridge but nothing else is really going for it.

Fanatic -- The second single, apparently. I literally laughed when I heard a T-Pain-ish “Heidiii” in the first second. Good for you, lady. Go for it. Why not. This song gets kinda good at the chorus, I won’t lie. But, not single-worthy. Not even for this album.

Superficial -- The lead single. Whatever I love it. I wrote about it before; this is just a good pop song. The lyrics are absolutely horrible, but what are you gonna do. Heidi “keeps it new-new” on this song. I guess that’s a thing.

More Is More -- think I like it. This is mostly awful, but I could see someone making a fun remix of it. “It’s f--king chaos in here” is the hook. I’m sadly conflicted.

One More Drink -- Alright Montag, we get it. Another song about people looking at you in the club. This romantic gesture of “one more drink and I think that I’ll be in love” shows how selective Heidi is with guys. I can picture all the other girls from The Hills gathering around and listening to this, and just laughing hysterically. Overall, not a memorable track.

Twisted -- Cheesy synths dominate this one, and I can’t take her shout-singing on the chorus. The filler on a mediocre album is…less than mediocre. I was waiting for it to end.

Hey Boy -- A memorable beat and chorus, but everything else is weak.

My Parade -- This is pretty much exactly “If U Seek Amy” but way worse. Some weird synth cymbals and snare drums are used, and it sounds really cheap for a $2 million dollar album.

Blackout -- Sounds like a sickening ode to Spencer to me. This one is kind of good, but I feel like there’s something missing instrumentally.

I’ll Do It -- Gross, but I still like it. David Morales, why do you have to do this to me! With your fun pop beats and untalented singers… I think this is supposed to be a single. I hope not.

Love It Or Leave It -- Heidi’s low vocals are almost worse than the high ones. This is bad. I’ll choose to leave it.

Lyrical Highlights:

“Watch me with a better hotter man, and I’m gonna let him hit this.”

“You’re so twisted-- like an actor in character, I don’t know how I missed it.”

“Don’t act like you can pay my bills, cause I know your broke ass can’t even pay attention.”

“I’m an important lady, when I show up they pay me.”

Basically, this girl can’t sing. You can just hear it in every heavily-edited inflection. At least she didn’t try to throw in some syrupy ballad or something like that. Her producers know what she can get away with—which is anything that doesn’t show off her voice talent. Still, I don’t know who the hell will purchase this digital album. There's no way she will make her money back; it’s just a novelty for her to get more attention. This girl is literally delusional, comparing Superficial to Thriller, saying it will "make an impact in pop history." She doesn’t have any star power to become anything close to even a Britney. I’d be surprised if she even ever performed live again. I guess stranger things have happened; technology is an amazing thing. For Heidi to fake being a musician, it ain’t that easy…but it ain’t so hard.

"For me, I have a different appreciation, a different understanding, and a different love of my music and for my album than any other artist possibly could."

...really, Heidi? Really???

Related Posts:

• love/hate: heidi montag
  

try this: ke$ha (animal)

I knew when I saw the song titles and cover for Ke$ha’s album that she was going for the whole pop-trash angle. Sort of like a Lady Gaga thing, but more electro and dirty. And let me tell you, her debut album Animal is…kind of rad. It’s so close to being a disaster, but it’s so close to genius. Max Martin is a master at his craft of making pop stars, and he had to have Ke$ha after hearing her on the chorus of “Right Round” by Flo-Rida (which was basically the best part of the song). Ke$ha’s single "TiK ToK" has been a party anthem and a number one Billboard hit, but will it be a one-hit wonder?

Animal begins with the words “maybe I need some rehab” – which pretty much sets the tone for 14 tracks of semi-skanky, electronically accented, valley-girl inflected songs. Ke$ha does the talking/semi rap thing a little bit, but also is a very pop-friendly singer with an unmistakable tone. The lyrics are about—well, parties. Lots of them. She also ventures into hot guys, heartbreak, getting trashed, hangovers, and how she sometimes feels bad for being a hot mess.

“Take It Off” samples the melody of The Streets of Cairo (“there’s a place in France where the ladies love to dance…”). The song makes you feel dirtier than Christina Aguilera in 2007, but also all sorts of happy at the same time. It’s got single written all over it. Ke$ha gets a little Katy Perry-ish on “Kiss N Tell,” with an admittedly infectious hook and bouncy video-game noises. I like any song that blatantly says “you should have kept it in your pants.” And who is this “Stephen” guy? First Taylor Swift, now this chick. In any case, she attempts to get his attention in this song that borders on annoying, but I like it anyways. “Blah Blah Blah” is mostly a less cool-sounding "TiK ToK" in which she wants a guy to stop talking.

At the halfway point of Animal, it goes downhill. “Hungover” sounds like a boring version of Beyonce’s “Halo.” I wish “Party At A Rich Dude’s House” was as good as the song’s title, and “Backstabber” and “Blind” serve their purpose as filler. “Dinosaur” is a surprisingly hilarious song about an old guy that keeps hitting on Ke$ha and her friends. The 80’s elements take it up a notch, and songs like these are what this album is all about. “Dancing With Tears In My Eyes” is okay, but reaches for a sad seriousness that doesn’t hit. It picks up with a fun, electronic-heavy ode to “Boots and Boys”-- but at this point Ke$ha, we kinda get it. The last track “Animal” is a less fun “My Life Would Suck Without You.”

So grab the first five tracks, maybe throw in “Boots and Boys,” and have yourself a party. This chick knows what she’s doing, but she’s no Gaga. Then again, I thought she’d be a one-hit wonder too.

try this: lil wayne (rebirth)

Rap and rock are two musical genres formed by the misunderstood; you’d think they were meant to join forces. I always appreciate when artists try to differentiate themselves to keep their sound from going stale, but with Wayne’s “singing,” Rebirth is honestly straight-up weird. Many reviews for the leaked album compare it to a Limp Bizkit-esque venture gone wrong, but that’s not the case. Incidentally, this is not the worst album ever, so let’s get that out of the way right now.

Wayne announced his plans to release a rock album following the Grammy-winning success of Tha Carter III. The effort was delayed from a release date of April 7, 2009 to February 1, 2010. Numerous leaked and mixtape tracks have been all over the internet this year, and as usual there was never a lack of guest appearances by Wayne on the radio and across the charts. The buzz of Rebirth spread after reports that Weezy was working on the album with Fall Out Boy, Lenny Kravitz and other rock staples. The first single “Prom Queen” was debuted from a live concert video, with Mr. Carter even trying out the guitar himself (although I don’t think he was plugged in). It emerged as a high-energy, eclectic, spastic, all-around mismatched track that would be a template for the forthcoming album. The empty lyrics left loyal listeners confused, as Weezy’s words are normally brilliantly combined, even while rapping about less serious topics.

I love Wayne’s ability to give a nonchalant Southern flow for a few bars, break it up with his signature giggle, and then kick back in again with a furious flurry of metaphors, perfectly placed stutters, and his insistences that he is the greatest rapper alive. He can take virtually any song and beat it to the ground when he raps. With his singing, no matter how auto-tuned it is (and it’s supposed to be), there is no comparison to the energy he brings rapping. On Rebirth, Wayne tries to make up for this by utilizing a form of yell-singing, and it just doesn’t work. On the few tracks where he raps – sans autotune – it’s really refreshing in contrast to the rest of the album. The female guest stars from his Young Money label help some tracks that would otherwise drown in Wayne’s robotic shouts. The lyrics on the album also don't compare to his other works, including mixtapes. Here’s a breakdown by track:

American Star – Uninventive guitar licks and boring lyrics “Born and raised in the USA // Where my president is B-L-A-C-K” make this a less than impressive leadoff track.

Prom Queen – It’s a single, but it isn’t catchy. Even if somebody else sang the chorus, it would remain an all-over-the-place song with lame riffs.

Ground Zero – Finally, some great flow in the verses—that unfortunately turns into a terrible chorus and chord progression full of Weezy shouting something.

Da Da Da – I think this is supposed to be a single. The beat is head-bouncing, and I like the palm-muted guitar accents -- too bad the lyrics and singing are nearly intolerable. Wayne busts out the first non autotuned rapping on the album, but when it stops and goes to some weird robo-tune level, you’re better off hitting the next track button.

Paradice – One of the better songs. There’s no real shouting on this one, and it’s got a good guitar hook. It follows a simple rock format of Verse/Chorus/Verse/Chorus/Bridge/Rap Bridge/Chorus. Take one guess what the best part of the song is.

Get A Life – Bright, bouncy guitars rock out to Wayne yelling “f--k you, get a life.” And that’s about it…not a fan.

On Fire – Synth 80s rock is sampled for this one, but with the 808s in the background, it sounds more like Wayne should sound. It could do without the screaming guitars every two seconds, but it’s a solid song with a good rap verse. This could be a single, but I’d be surprised if the radio doesn’t cut out the unnecessary guitar solo.

Drop The World – Much hyped collaboration with Eminem. It’s okay. When Eminem comes in, his voice settles into the guitars perfectly. His angry tone is suited to it, and his verse slowly builds with aggressiveness to become one of the highlights of the entire album.

Runnin – A chill guitar riff, and Wayne kind of rapping – this is a good thing. When the chorus comes, it’s Shanell – also a good thing. She takes over the singing on this one, and as a result, it’s not bad, although a bit dull overall.

One Way Trip – I like this one, again because Wayne raps and Kevin Rudolf is great on the chorus. Might be my favorite on the album. Travis Barker’s on the drums.

Knockout – Sounds like a pop punk disaster. Nicki Minaj can’t even save this one. The voices don’t complement the music and vice-versa. This is the point where you start wondering when this album will be over.

The Price Is Wrong – Just…no. It’s a mess. No comment. I can’t.

This isn’t like Limp Bizkit or Crazy Town, where they know that they’re rockers with semi-catchy choruses who can sort of rap. When Jay-Z made an album with Linkin Park, Jay-Z stuck to rap. When Eminem tried to sing on his song "Hailie's Song", he even made an “I can’t sing” disclaimer. Perhaps one of the better tracks on Rebirth should have just been a filler track on an upcoming album, because this rock star experiment has officially gone awry. It’s simply 12 tracks of one hot mess after another. Rebirth will probably change when it officially releases in February 2010. Wayne’s got two months to figure out what to do with the album, then he’ll be heading to jail for about a year on a weapons charge. With his insane level of musical output, Lil Wayne fans aren’t the patient type. So, I kinda want to forget that this album ever happened, and I want a mixtape from jail to remind me that he’s still one of the best rappers alive. ASAP. Until then, at least we’ve got No Ceilings…

try this: hanson (stand up stand up ep)

A few years back, my dad played a song for me and said “guess who sings this?” It was a really good rock song with a deep-voiced, throaty singer; it had a great melody and combination of sounds. I was pretty much floored when he said "Hanson” (the song was “Watch Over Me”). My mind flashed to images of the “MMMBop” video and the long-haired, high-pitched, smiley pre-teen pop idols. But many people don’t realize that Hanson hasn't slowed down since.

When “MMMBop” was released in 1996 and became their first major hit, the youngest member Zac was only 11 years old. Now 24, 26, and 29, the three brothers Zac, Taylor, and Issac have grown musically and lyrically as well. The really impressive thing to me is that they have always written their own songs and played their own instruments, ever since the beginning.

Their label Island Def Jam dropped them in a messy split in 2001, saying their songs weren’t marketable to their audience. The label refused over 80 songs. The Hanson brothers formed their own independent label 3CG Records, in which Underneath and The Walk were released. Underneath debuted at #25 on the Billboard 200 in 2004, making it one of the most successful independent releases of all time. The Walk was a heavy album in comparison; it was more drastic to further showcase their independence as artists. I saw Hanson play a small acoustic show at Michigan State University in 2005. They played acoustic versions of new songs and a few older ones, and seemed like confident, cool guys, who seem comfortable with where their career has taken them.

Now that I can safely say I’m a Hanson fan, I was naturally stoked when I heard they’re going to release a new album in mid-2010. They released the Stand Up, Stand Up EP a few weeks ago, including 4 live acoustic versions of songs on their upcoming album, along with 1 studio version song. The EP has simple progessions, lots of harmonies, and addictive melodies—pretty much standard Hanson. But their sound has matured even further since The Walk.

“These Walls”
Some happy chords, light organ, and heavy piano make me want to hear this song with drums.

“Carry You There”
Watch It Here (Taylor’s got a ‘stache, Zac’s still sporting a ponytail, and Issac is clearly a grown man.)
The harmonies are ridiculous on this...it just shows how long they’ve been playing together and hearing each other. I love the acapella repeats of “I’ll carry you there” at the end. They’re seamless.

“Use Me Up”
This song’s very different from the rest of the EP. Zac sings on this one, sadly singing “Use me up // Cause no one ever does.” Damn, Zac Hanson. A little emo these days are we? It still sounds great but the studio version should be better.

“Waiting For This”
…Cut to bright piano and drums. This super-upbeat song reminds me of the sound of The Rocket Summer (one of my favorites), right down to the “singalong” parts. I loved this one.

“World's on Fire”
This is the studio version, and the lyrics gave the Stand Up, Stand Up EP its name. Drums are heavy and contract with the high-note guitar and piano leads. It’s a little redundant overall, but the harmony doesn’t disappoint.

Give this EP a try, and you too may just become a Hanson fan. No shame is necessary.

love/hate: paris hilton

Being one of the most famous-for-being-famous socialites of the decade, Paris Hilton woke up one day and decided that she could sing. Well, it looks like homegirl is returning to the studio -- she even claims she wrote all the songs for her upcoming album herself. Paris founded Heiress Records in 2006 (a subsidiary of Warner Bros.) to record her first effort Paris, but was soon dropped—and it looks like nobody wants to record her sophomore album. Paris actually peaked at #6 on the Billboard 200, although overall sales were poor. The single "Stars Are Blind" was a great summer song-- it got lots of MTV rotation, and topped many charts worldwide. Yeahhh…I was as shocked as you were. So of course when that happened, I had to go and listen to every song she ever recorded. And they weren’t bad.

Paris had the help of mega-producer Scott Storch to create a dance/hip-hop/Kylie Minogue-sounding album—but the best part are the remixes. They cover up the vocals; but hey, it’s still kinda her voice under all the drums and bass. The lyrics are brutally honest, detailing her rough life as an heiress looking for love:

”Since I'm already screwed
Here's a message to you
My heart's wide open
I'm just not getting through to the lover in you
Yet I'm still hoping
That tonight, tonight, you're gonna turn down the lights
And give me a little more room just to prove it to you
What do I gotta do?”

Here’s the thing. This girl was born into a hotel empire and knew she never had to work a day in her life, yet she has anyways. So why not add a little singing to her TV shows, modeling career, perfume line, clothing line, a DOG clothing line, purse line, shoe line, cell phone games, sex tape DVD sales, public appearances, acting “career,” books, and even political stints. Paris sings simple, energetic dance/pop songs, and that’s just what they’re meant to be.

Let’s not forget the wise words she has told us live by: "Dress cute wherever you go, life is too short to blend in.” With prose like that, I can’t wait to hear the lyrics she’s written on her next album. In fact, some of the leaked songs are a preview of what we’re in for. On “Platinum Blonde,” she says “Oh peroxide, do your work on me.” On “Girl Tax” she croons “My heart beats for the P-R-A-D-A.”

Good times.

The Guilty Pleasures:

To be honest, I LOVE the "Screwed" and "Nothing in this World" remixes. I may or may not know all the words.

what happened to...?

Lauryn Hill – The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill (1998)

Probably the worst tease in recent music history, Lauryn Hill released this ridiculously amazing album out of nowhere. It won five Grammys and mixed R&B, soul, and hip-hop into pretty much 16 tracks of perfection. The solo project made for a tense relationship with The Fugees, particularly with Wyclef Jean. After the album (and a super-weird Unplugged album), she virtually disappeared out of the industry, cancelling interviews, tours, and anything that would put her back into the public eye.

My favorite track: "I Used To Love Him"

Fenix TX – Self Titled (1999)

This pop-punk, blink-182-ish album is less than an hour long, but it’s just fun. The band’s follow-up wasn’t that great, and they disappeared in 2002.

My favorite track: "Flight 601"

D’Angelo – Voodoo (2000)

I’ve been waiting ten years for a follow-up with no sign of one yet. His Prince-inspired sophomore album had smoothness and soul on every track; a beautiful combination of old school and neo-soul. D’Angelo broke under the pressure of being a sex symbol and an international superstar. He fell into a drug addiction and has been quietly writing songs for his always-delayed but much-anticipated album, tentatively named James River. Seriously, come back, D'Angelo.

My favorite track: "Send It On"

love/hate: heidi montag

You always hear of actors thinking that they can sing too, but I’m pretty sure reality tv doesn’t count as acting. Being famous for being famous is a business of extremes. It’s the new American dream—getting everything handed to you without really having any talent. You don’t have to be an interesting person, but you have to do mildly interesting things—like, for example, be the roommate of an MTV reality star. Heidi Montag has been stretching her exposure for years, riding the coattails of drama-filled Lauren Conrad on the success of her series The Hills. We watched Heidi reach for the stars, drop out of fashion school and get fired at her PR “job.” She talked to tabloids freely about her extensive plastic surgery…at age 21.

When Heidi paired up with another nemesis on the show, Spencer Pratt, the awful duo has been grasping at their 15 minutes ever since. They even wrote a book about it—and apparently, people are buying it. Seriously-- people are actually purchasing the How To Be Famous hardcover book by these douchebags. They’re also buying her clothing line (“Heidiwood” …), her workout plan, and her obviously fake storyline on The Hills. So it’s no surprise that the paparazzi-seeking Montag would try to record a pop album and record a couple of horrible quality music videos. Maximum auto-tune, soft vocal levels, and constant echoes make the noise tolerable. The lyrical content is deep:

“Hoppin out that Maserati
All I see is paparazzi
For the front cover of a magazine
I pose in everything I wear
Lots of makeup, people stare
Always center of attention
Lookin' so bootylicious.”

Not gonna lie, some of the hooks are good. She was able to buy legendary songwriter David Foster to work on her album, and also got Gaga’s producer Redone to work on least one of her songs. I wonder if being obscenely rich leads you to believe that you can really do anything. I’m not sure if it’s worth the embarrassment that’s sure to follow after her album Superficial drops, supposedly in January—though it’s been delayed two years since she has no record label that will represent her. Her solution? Heidi Montag Records/Pratt Productions LLC. If nobody wants her, she’ll do it herself. I guess that by raking in $100,000 per Hills episode, you can do things like that. More power to her—I’m sure she’ll be laughing all the way to the bank. Either way, I still maintain that she should leave music to the talented, and stick with what she knows…whatever that is.

The Guilty Pleasures:
“No More” – The piano hook and chorus moves it along, but Heidi’s droning lyrics in the verses kind of kill this song halfway through.

“Body Language” – Who honestly allowed this chick to sample this classic 80s song (Situation by Yazoo)…catchy, nonetheless.