love/hate: heidi montag

You always hear of actors thinking that they can sing too, but I’m pretty sure reality tv doesn’t count as acting. Being famous for being famous is a business of extremes. It’s the new American dream—getting everything handed to you without really having any talent. You don’t have to be an interesting person, but you have to do mildly interesting things—like, for example, be the roommate of an MTV reality star. Heidi Montag has been stretching her exposure for years, riding the coattails of drama-filled Lauren Conrad on the success of her series The Hills. We watched Heidi reach for the stars, drop out of fashion school and get fired at her PR “job.” She talked to tabloids freely about her extensive plastic surgery…at age 21.

When Heidi paired up with another nemesis on the show, Spencer Pratt, the awful duo has been grasping at their 15 minutes ever since. They even wrote a book about it—and apparently, people are buying it. Seriously-- people are actually purchasing the How To Be Famous hardcover book by these douchebags. They’re also buying her clothing line (“Heidiwood” …), her workout plan, and her obviously fake storyline on The Hills. So it’s no surprise that the paparazzi-seeking Montag would try to record a pop album and record a couple of horrible quality music videos. Maximum auto-tune, soft vocal levels, and constant echoes make the noise tolerable. The lyrical content is deep:

“Hoppin out that Maserati
All I see is paparazzi
For the front cover of a magazine
I pose in everything I wear
Lots of makeup, people stare
Always center of attention
Lookin' so bootylicious.”

Not gonna lie, some of the hooks are good. She was able to buy legendary songwriter David Foster to work on her album, and also got Gaga’s producer Redone to work on least one of her songs. I wonder if being obscenely rich leads you to believe that you can really do anything. I’m not sure if it’s worth the embarrassment that’s sure to follow after her album Superficial drops, supposedly in January—though it’s been delayed two years since she has no record label that will represent her. Her solution? Heidi Montag Records/Pratt Productions LLC. If nobody wants her, she’ll do it herself. I guess that by raking in $100,000 per Hills episode, you can do things like that. More power to her—I’m sure she’ll be laughing all the way to the bank. Either way, I still maintain that she should leave music to the talented, and stick with what she knows…whatever that is.

The Guilty Pleasures:
“No More” – The piano hook and chorus moves it along, but Heidi’s droning lyrics in the verses kind of kill this song halfway through.

“Body Language” – Who honestly allowed this chick to sample this classic 80s song (Situation by Yazoo)…catchy, nonetheless.