Here it is—two EPs and many terrible leaked songs later-- a masterpiece three years in the making, from Pratt Productions. People who wake up one day and randomly think they can sing amuse me. The Hills star’s aptly named Superficial album debut released as digital-only (surprise surprise) this week. With the producers Montag was able to hire (it apparently cost $2 million for her to make this independently) she’s had some decent-sounding songs. So obviously I couldn’t wait to dissect these 12 tracks, which are almost all the same 3:30 length, and all sound very similar to each other. It’s produced very heavily. As usual, Montag’s voice has just the right number of layers and autotune to sound halfway tolerable. Oh, and it’s got a parental advisory label on the cover.
Look How I’m Doin -- …What. This chick is literally rapping on track one, to a heavy offbeat with “Umbrella”-like “ay, ay, ays” in the background. I love it. I hate it. There’s a little bit of “Beep” “ha-ha-has” in the chorus, right before Heidi is singing “you shoulda put a ring on me.” The original thought on this album is overwhelming.
Turn Ya Head -- Heidi claims on this song that she’s “the bitch that you don’t want to miss.” I think it’s supposed to be a club song. It’s got a good beat and an interesting bridge but nothing else is really going for it.
Fanatic -- The second single, apparently. I literally laughed when I heard a T-Pain-ish “Heidiii” in the first second. Good for you, lady. Go for it. Why not. This song gets kinda good at the chorus, I won’t lie. But, not single-worthy. Not even for this album.
Superficial -- The lead single. Whatever I love it. I wrote about it before; this is just a good pop song. The lyrics are absolutely horrible, but what are you gonna do. Heidi “keeps it new-new” on this song. I guess that’s a thing.
More Is More -- think I like it. This is mostly awful, but I could see someone making a fun remix of it. “It’s f--king chaos in here” is the hook. I’m sadly conflicted.
One More Drink -- Alright Montag, we get it. Another song about people looking at you in the club. This romantic gesture of “one more drink and I think that I’ll be in love” shows how selective Heidi is with guys. I can picture all the other girls from The Hills gathering around and listening to this, and just laughing hysterically. Overall, not a memorable track.
Twisted -- Cheesy synths dominate this one, and I can’t take her shout-singing on the chorus. The filler on a mediocre album is…less than mediocre. I was waiting for it to end.
Hey Boy -- A memorable beat and chorus, but everything else is weak.
My Parade -- This is pretty much exactly “If U Seek Amy” but way worse. Some weird synth cymbals and snare drums are used, and it sounds really cheap for a $2 million dollar album.
Blackout -- Sounds like a sickening ode to Spencer to me. This one is kind of good, but I feel like there’s something missing instrumentally.
I’ll Do It -- Gross, but I still like it. David Morales, why do you have to do this to me! With your fun pop beats and untalented singers… I think this is supposed to be a single. I hope not.
Love It Or Leave It -- Heidi’s low vocals are almost worse than the high ones. This is bad. I’ll choose to leave it.
Lyrical Highlights:
“Watch me with a better hotter man, and I’m gonna let him hit this.”
“You’re so twisted-- like an actor in character, I don’t know how I missed it.”
“Don’t act like you can pay my bills, cause I know your broke ass can’t even pay attention.”
“I’m an important lady, when I show up they pay me.”
Basically, this girl can’t sing. You can just hear it in every heavily-edited inflection. At least she didn’t try to throw in some syrupy ballad or something like that. Her producers know what she can get away with—which is anything that doesn’t show off her voice talent. Still, I don’t know who the hell will purchase this digital album. There's no way she will make her money back; it’s just a novelty for her to get more attention. This girl is literally delusional, comparing Superficial to Thriller, saying it will "make an impact in pop history." She doesn’t have any star power to become anything close to even a Britney. I’d be surprised if she even ever performed live again. I guess stranger things have happened; technology is an amazing thing. For Heidi to fake being a musician, it ain’t that easy…but it ain’t so hard.
"For me, I have a different appreciation, a different understanding, and a different love of my music and for my album than any other artist possibly could."...really, Heidi? Really???
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