try this: heidi montag (superficial)

Here it is—two EPs and many terrible leaked songs later-- a masterpiece three years in the making, from Pratt Productions. People who wake up one day and randomly think they can sing amuse me. The Hills star’s aptly named Superficial album debut released as digital-only (surprise surprise) this week. With the producers Montag was able to hire (it apparently cost $2 million for her to make this independently) she’s had some decent-sounding songs. So obviously I couldn’t wait to dissect these 12 tracks, which are almost all the same 3:30 length, and all sound very similar to each other. It’s produced very heavily. As usual, Montag’s voice has just the right number of layers and autotune to sound halfway tolerable. Oh, and it’s got a parental advisory label on the cover.

Look How I’m Doin -- …What. This chick is literally rapping on track one, to a heavy offbeat with “Umbrella”-like “ay, ay, ays” in the background. I love it. I hate it. There’s a little bit of “Beep” “ha-ha-has” in the chorus, right before Heidi is singing “you shoulda put a ring on me.” The original thought on this album is overwhelming.

Turn Ya Head -- Heidi claims on this song that she’s “the bitch that you don’t want to miss.” I think it’s supposed to be a club song. It’s got a good beat and an interesting bridge but nothing else is really going for it.

Fanatic -- The second single, apparently. I literally laughed when I heard a T-Pain-ish “Heidiii” in the first second. Good for you, lady. Go for it. Why not. This song gets kinda good at the chorus, I won’t lie. But, not single-worthy. Not even for this album.

Superficial -- The lead single. Whatever I love it. I wrote about it before; this is just a good pop song. The lyrics are absolutely horrible, but what are you gonna do. Heidi “keeps it new-new” on this song. I guess that’s a thing.

More Is More -- think I like it. This is mostly awful, but I could see someone making a fun remix of it. “It’s f--king chaos in here” is the hook. I’m sadly conflicted.

One More Drink -- Alright Montag, we get it. Another song about people looking at you in the club. This romantic gesture of “one more drink and I think that I’ll be in love” shows how selective Heidi is with guys. I can picture all the other girls from The Hills gathering around and listening to this, and just laughing hysterically. Overall, not a memorable track.

Twisted -- Cheesy synths dominate this one, and I can’t take her shout-singing on the chorus. The filler on a mediocre album is…less than mediocre. I was waiting for it to end.

Hey Boy -- A memorable beat and chorus, but everything else is weak.

My Parade -- This is pretty much exactly “If U Seek Amy” but way worse. Some weird synth cymbals and snare drums are used, and it sounds really cheap for a $2 million dollar album.

Blackout -- Sounds like a sickening ode to Spencer to me. This one is kind of good, but I feel like there’s something missing instrumentally.

I’ll Do It -- Gross, but I still like it. David Morales, why do you have to do this to me! With your fun pop beats and untalented singers… I think this is supposed to be a single. I hope not.

Love It Or Leave It -- Heidi’s low vocals are almost worse than the high ones. This is bad. I’ll choose to leave it.

Lyrical Highlights:

“Watch me with a better hotter man, and I’m gonna let him hit this.”

“You’re so twisted-- like an actor in character, I don’t know how I missed it.”

“Don’t act like you can pay my bills, cause I know your broke ass can’t even pay attention.”

“I’m an important lady, when I show up they pay me.”

Basically, this girl can’t sing. You can just hear it in every heavily-edited inflection. At least she didn’t try to throw in some syrupy ballad or something like that. Her producers know what she can get away with—which is anything that doesn’t show off her voice talent. Still, I don’t know who the hell will purchase this digital album. There's no way she will make her money back; it’s just a novelty for her to get more attention. This girl is literally delusional, comparing Superficial to Thriller, saying it will "make an impact in pop history." She doesn’t have any star power to become anything close to even a Britney. I’d be surprised if she even ever performed live again. I guess stranger things have happened; technology is an amazing thing. For Heidi to fake being a musician, it ain’t that easy…but it ain’t so hard.

"For me, I have a different appreciation, a different understanding, and a different love of my music and for my album than any other artist possibly could."

...really, Heidi? Really???

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try this: ke$ha (animal)

I knew when I saw the song titles and cover for Ke$ha’s album that she was going for the whole pop-trash angle. Sort of like a Lady Gaga thing, but more electro and dirty. And let me tell you, her debut album Animal is…kind of rad. It’s so close to being a disaster, but it’s so close to genius. Max Martin is a master at his craft of making pop stars, and he had to have Ke$ha after hearing her on the chorus of “Right Round” by Flo-Rida (which was basically the best part of the song). Ke$ha’s single "TiK ToK" has been a party anthem and a number one Billboard hit, but will it be a one-hit wonder?

Animal begins with the words “maybe I need some rehab” – which pretty much sets the tone for 14 tracks of semi-skanky, electronically accented, valley-girl inflected songs. Ke$ha does the talking/semi rap thing a little bit, but also is a very pop-friendly singer with an unmistakable tone. The lyrics are about—well, parties. Lots of them. She also ventures into hot guys, heartbreak, getting trashed, hangovers, and how she sometimes feels bad for being a hot mess.

“Take It Off” samples the melody of The Streets of Cairo (“there’s a place in France where the ladies love to dance…”). The song makes you feel dirtier than Christina Aguilera in 2007, but also all sorts of happy at the same time. It’s got single written all over it. Ke$ha gets a little Katy Perry-ish on “Kiss N Tell,” with an admittedly infectious hook and bouncy video-game noises. I like any song that blatantly says “you should have kept it in your pants.” And who is this “Stephen” guy? First Taylor Swift, now this chick. In any case, she attempts to get his attention in this song that borders on annoying, but I like it anyways. “Blah Blah Blah” is mostly a less cool-sounding "TiK ToK" in which she wants a guy to stop talking.

At the halfway point of Animal, it goes downhill. “Hungover” sounds like a boring version of Beyonce’s “Halo.” I wish “Party At A Rich Dude’s House” was as good as the song’s title, and “Backstabber” and “Blind” serve their purpose as filler. “Dinosaur” is a surprisingly hilarious song about an old guy that keeps hitting on Ke$ha and her friends. The 80’s elements take it up a notch, and songs like these are what this album is all about. “Dancing With Tears In My Eyes” is okay, but reaches for a sad seriousness that doesn’t hit. It picks up with a fun, electronic-heavy ode to “Boots and Boys”-- but at this point Ke$ha, we kinda get it. The last track “Animal” is a less fun “My Life Would Suck Without You.”

So grab the first five tracks, maybe throw in “Boots and Boys,” and have yourself a party. This chick knows what she’s doing, but she’s no Gaga. Then again, I thought she’d be a one-hit wonder too.